Does Your Partner Lie About Money? Ways to Find—and Fix—Financial Infidelity

Partners often promise to stick with each other “for richer or for poorer.” But there’s more to a healthy financial life than sharing the highs and lows. Financial infidelity, or dishonesty about money in a relationship, can wear away trust and cause tension between you and your partner.

Learn how to spot unhealthy patterns and build money habits that enrich your relationship, as well as your bank account.

What Is Financial Infidelity?

Financial infidelity is a form of dishonesty toward a spouse or partner about financial activities. When people make financial choices that they hide from or lie about to their partner, this can cause problems between the couple. The difference between what counts as a moment of financial frivolity (or even irresponsibility) versus a serious breach of trust varies from couple to couple. Generally speaking, financial infidelity might include activities like:

• Hiding debts

• Withdrawing large amounts of money from a shared account without checking with your

  partner

• Spending large amounts of money without discussing beforehand

• Lying about or hiding spending outside the budget you agreed on

• Hiding a shopping or gambling addiction

• Keeping a credit card or bank account one partner doesn’t know about

• Taking money from a retirement account without telling your partner

• Saying you’ll handle a money task (e.g., paying credit card bills) and doing this late or

  not at all

In some households, a $200 splurge might not be a big deal. Other partners may expect to discuss spending that much beforehand. Even an $8 latte can become an issue if it’s part of a daily spending pattern you promised to break.

How Financial Infidelity Affects Relationships

Lying about money is fairly common between couples. A recent survey found that a third of respondents reported keeping their spending a secret from their partner. For some couples, concealing money problems can lead to the other partner feeling hurt and even betrayed once issues come to light.

Financial infidelity can affect any couple. Gen Z and Millennials have higher rates of financial infidelity (67 and 54 percent) than Gen X (33 percent) and Baby Boomers (30 percent).

Considering that more than half of Americans may see debt as a reason to consider divorce, struggling with dishonesty around money can have serious consequences for the relationship.

If you or your partner are dishonest with each other about money, this can damage trust. It may also lead to poor financial habits that affect your overall ability to save for a secure future or afford the lifestyle you imagined sharing together, which may add other stresses to your life.

Are Financial Secrets Always a Bad Thing?

In one survey, about 15 percent of people admitted to keeping a secret savings account from a partner.

While there are important downsides to financial secrets between partners, there can also be very good reasons not to share everything. Sometimes a partner doesn’t feel safe sharing finances fully and may need to keep some funds private. One partner might hide money to try to keep finances steady because the other partner is struggling with a shopping or gambling problem.

In cases like these, financial secrecy may point to a larger, more serious issue. Your health and safety in a relationship take priority. If you find yourself lying about money or hiding finances to stay safe, you might want to to look into resources to get out of a dangerous situation.

The intention behind a financial secret can also make a difference. Saving in secret for a birthday surprise isn’t the same as intentionally concealing purchases you know your partner would disapprove of.

If your relationship is secure but you still want to keep a hidden account, consider whether it’s important to you to keep your money secret, or just separate. Fewer than half of couples overall, and only 31 percent of Millennial couples, merge accounts completely. You may be able to have separate finances and a connected relationship by opening conversations with your partner. Discuss saving and investing goals, and check in with each other to help make sure you stay on the same page, even if you prefer to keep day-to-day money management separate.

Healing From Financial Infidelity

If money’s a difficult subject, you can still work through problems and find a financial dynamic that brings you closer together. These ideas might help break down walls around money.

• Look at the numbers without judgment: Talking about debt or overspending can be uncomfortable, but it can be an opportunity to solve problems as a team. The first step is making sure partners have equal access to see all financial details. Try to approach this as something to solve together, rather than blaming each other.

• Set boundaries that work for you: What’s the maximum you can spend on a purchase without your partner weighing in? How much is OK to spend on hobbies or treats each month? Decide together on guidelines for when you need to check in with each other.

• Listen to each other’s experiences: Personal history may make one or both partners anxious about merging finances. Understanding each other, and learning ways to have money privacy without unhealthy secrecy, can help you find a healthier balance.

• Consider counseling: A marriage or family counselor with experience in financial mismatch can help you find underlying emotions or beliefs about money and have a productive conversation.

Financial Habits That Might Improve Your Love Life

The way you manage money doesn’t only show up in the form of relationship challenges. Healthy household finance habits can also make your relationship closer. Some researchers found that merging finances is associated with strong relationship quality. Staying aligned on your financial goals and responding to each other’s needs are ways to take care of each other and build shared plans and values.

If you prefer to keep accounts separate, paying attention to financial interdependence (the way you share and use money toward your mutual benefit as a couple) can show you care. For example, managing credit responsibly may help reduce financial stress in your day-to-day life, which can make it easier to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Getting insurance prioritizes far-reaching goals and protection, which can contribute toward a stronger sense of security.

Your approach to managing money can put a wall between you and your partner—or bring you closer together. It can take time to deal with financial and emotional issues connected to financial infidelity, but it’s well-spent effort if it leads to a more secure future as a couple.

Fabric exists to help young families master their money. Our articles abide by strict editorial standards.

Information provided is general and educational in nature, is not financial advice, and all products or services discussed may not be offered by Fabric by Gerber Life  (“the Company”). The information is not intended to be, and should not be construed as, legal or tax advice. The Company does not provide legal or tax advice. Consult an attorney or tax advisor regarding your specific legal or tax situation. Laws of a specific state or laws relevant to a particular situation may affect the applicability, accuracy, or completeness of this information. Federal and state laws and regulations are complex and are subject to change. The Company makes no warranties with regard to the information or results obtained by its use. The Company disclaims any liability arising out of your use of, or reliance on, the information. The views and opinions of third-party content providers are solely those of the author and not Fabric by Gerber Life.